The Inward Eye

Sometimes I just can't believe I share the things I do on here. On my "actual" Facebook account I only allow people I absolutely know to be in my circle. I don't like the fact that strangers want to be my "friend" to pry into my life. I have my profile on private. Only friend voyeurs for me. 

But, now, I am doing the exact thing I said I would never do. Become public. And this is even a bigger deal than updating a status here and there for my Facebook peeps to see. The world can see this. The whole wide world. I actually express my thoughts on here. Things I would probably never even conjure up to vocalize before this blog. I would have a fleeting thought, or a distant memory, and that would be that. I'd then be on to something else. Now, I have a platform to express my innermost feelings, things I need to get out. 

Some days, I am just so overwhelmed with stuff that needs to be done. I get stressed to the maximum and forget to pause. I don't take in all the good that's around me. Today has been one of those. Well, this whole flippin week has been one of those.

I was talking to a girlfriend of mine who recently lost a close friend to her. It hit home real hard. I know that devastating fog that she's dwelling in. I, too, lost my best friend. My mother. 

I rarely talk about it. I've never lost anyone before. And then, out of the blue, losing my mom? How could I come to terms with that?

My mom and I were so extremely close. A day wouldn't pass where we wouldn't call each other to talk. And now the phone never rings. It's been so long since I've heard her sweet voice.

She was so happy when I told her that we were pregnant. She wanted to retire and move closer to us. Then, she passed away, unexpectedly from a heart-attack in the summer of 2010. I was a new mommy. I had Adrienne six months prior.

My mother was supposed to watch her granddaughter grow. Adrienne needed to experience the extraordinary woman that she could call Nana, but she won't ever get to. I still can't grasp that concept. She doesn't know my mom. That is so unbelievably hard to fathom. 

I have one video I took of my mom tickling my child. One. They both were giggling. They had a deep love for each other. I could tell. Little Adrienne lit up when they spent time together.

It still doesn't even seem real.

For awhile there, I couldn't cope with my loss. Mom was such an amazing woman. She spent her whole life helping people. I admired the person I had for a mother. She had such a compassionate nature that radiated around her. She knew the answers of life. It didn't matter what I wanted to know, she knew the solution.

I miss everything about her tremendously. 

Her death was rock bottom for me. I knew that it would take a long time to adjust my brain and heart to the numbness. I wanted to call my mom and tell her so many things. I wanted to be mad at her and God and scream that I didn't get enough time with her. It wasn't fair. I was cheated and left with so much sorrow that I had no idea how to process. 

But then I looked down, and saw the most beautifully plump baby I had ever seen. Big, sparkling eyes stared up at me. They were as blue and endless as the sky. Such an illuminating innocence during the darkest of days. I needed to be strong for this little girl. And I was.

I told myself that I exuded the loving nature and the warm embrace that my mom so effortlessly had. I could carry on. That's what she would have wanted.

The love in my soul is something that is already instilled in Adrienne. The loving character that Mom, my child, and I have is the tie that binds all of us together. And I am so immensely grateful for that bond.

So, maybe Nana isn't that far away after all.

::deep breath::

I tried to tell my disheartened friend that she can't change things. Life is beautifully bittersweet like that. You can't control destiny. Enjoy the wonderful time we have on this Earth. Never take a minute for granted. Express your love for people. 

Even in my crappiest days, when I don't think a shred of glistening sunlight will shine down, when I am at my wit's end, I know life is too short to be upset about trivial things. It isn't hard to change negative ions into positive, if you try. That's why I love blogging so much. I can get things out of my head and onto something that I can read. And re-read. Late at night, alone, my computer and my thoughts.

It is the bliss of solitude..

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